


Are You Dense?

by AnonEhouse



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, BAMF Vision, BAMF Wanda Maximoff, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Happy Ending, No need for Infinity War Part 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 21:35:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17795183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Vision and Wanda use their brains and their abilities.Thanos never saw it coming.





	Are You Dense?

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

Vision tiptoed out of Avengers Compound, bent over a large cardboard box.

"Hey, Vis, how's..."

Vision let out a not-quite shriek, and jerked upright, arms flailing. The box flew through the air and lost the lid.

An assortment of frilly women's undergarments and ass-kicking boots, all in red, fluttered and thumped, respectively, around and on, Vision. "Mr. Stark," Vision said, "you startled me."

"Uh huh. I noticed." Tony leaned forward a little, peered at Vision's face, and then leaned back. "You do realize that everyone, including the groundskeeper's dog, knows you've been sneaking out to see Maximoff?"

Vision blushed. He was currently wearing his fair-skinned 'meat suit' human disguise, so it showed up. "They do? And you have done nothing? You would not forbid me loving one of the members of Captain America's team?"

Tony blinked. "Really? I thought you were just trying to avoid an awkward situation. You actually think I would do that? Not that you'd obey me, because..." Tony waved at the red lace panties perched on Vision's head. "Obviously."

"Wanda told me it was like Romeo and Juliet," Vision offered. He plucked the panties off his head, and gazed at them with a small smile on his face. "Separated by opposing houses, although our love is true. Wanda has also been slipping away to meet me. She teaches me about love."

Tony blinked again. "Romeo and Juliet. That's your game plan? You do know how that ended? No?" Tony patted Vision on the shoulder. "They both died. Stupidly. Avoidably. Just... take a moment and think WWJD, ok?"

"What Would Jesus Do?" Vision asked, raising his near invisible eyebrows in confusion.

"JARVIS! There's got to be a little Jarvis left in you,Vision." Tony shook his head and walked away. "Dying together's not romantic. It's dying, that's all."

Vision picked up the scattered articles of clothing and neatly repacked them, all the while frowning in concentration.

 

"Wanda," Vision said the moment she met him at their little romantic hideaway-- well, not THE MOMENT. They'd been apart for several days, so there was reconnecting time first. Afterward, when Wanda was cheerfully sorting through lingerie, Vision cleared his throat.

"Wanda, it has come to my attention that we are not preparing for our future."

Wanda looked up. "What do you mean? We can't... what is it... start a 401-K plan?" She giggled.

"I have grown lax in practicing my abilities, and I fear you have also," Vision said. He didn't mention Jarvis, because that would make Wanda think of Stark, and that always upset her. "We need to be able to call upon our full abilities at a moment's notice, or else... I fear you may be taken from me."

"No one will ever take you from me, Vis!" Wanda stood up, every line of her body emphasizing her determination.

"Even now, there may be danger," Vision replied. "We should not be... ostriches? Sticking our heads in the sand to avoid unpleasant reality. I have a... feeling... I am... uneasy."

Wanda scowled a little, just a little. "Do you want to go back to the compound and spar with Stark?"

"No, no, of course not. I am your partner, always. But when we are together-- while it is enjoyable-- we should not let down our guards and forget who we are, and what we can do."

"Yes. That is true. We have enemies." Wanda sighed. "It was just nice... pretending to be normal." She pouted a moment and then nodded. "You're right, I haven't even 'listened' for hostile minds." She closed her eyes a moment. Then they flew open, and all the color fled from her face. "Vis! They're after us!" She grabbed Vision's hand. "Horrible, horrible minds. They want to kill us. They want..." With her other hand she reached up to touch Vision's forehead. 

"The Mind Stone." Vision tightened his grip on her hand. "We must leave at once, and inform the others. Keep watching for the enemy."

"Yes." Wanda concentrated as they ran out of their apartment, and down to the street. "BEHIND YOU!" she shrieked, and whirled, telekinetically grabbing the first thing within range, a lamp-post, and driving it through the body of the huge non-human creature who was reaching for Vision. The creature didn't die. Wanda telekinetically twirled the lamppost while holding the creature still. It was very messy, but very quick, like twisting off a bottle cap. Once it was separated into several parts it twitched and showed inhuman teeth. Wanda stepped back away from the groping arms.

"WANDA!" Vision shouted as another creature appeared. It raised a weapon. Vision made himself intangible, and walked forward through the blade, harmlessly. He made his hands dense, and grabbed the weapon, crushing it in a tight circle around the creature's arms, binding them tightly together.

"YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME," the creature shouted. "I AM A CHILD OF THANOS. THANOS IS GOD."

"Who is Thanos?" Vision asked.

The creature glared and tried to bite Vision. Vision frowned. "Wanda, I dislike requesting you to touch the mind of this being, but..."

Wanda nodded. "Hold it still." She put her hands to either side of the creature's head. "OH!" She pulled back, wiping her hands on her dress as if they were slimed. "Thanos wants to murder half the universe and once he gets all the ... Infinity Stones... he can do that."

Vision went still for a moment, trying to access Jarvis' knowledge. It was a jumble and unpleasantly like becoming another person, so he didn't do it very often, but after a few seconds he nodded. "He has a space fleet. The Chitauri were his, but he had many more ships. And if his other troops are anything like these two, they will not be so easily destroyed. Especially if they arrive from space, instead of through a single, defensible portal."

The alien tensed, its shoulders expanded, and it broke apart the metal holding it. "VISION!" Wanda screamed and flung a manhole cover through the alien's neck. Blood of an unearthly color spouted into the air. The body took two steps forward before collapsing. The head bounced on the pavement.

Vision looked around, and then reached for Wanda. "We will need a plan."

 

"I AM HERE," Vision shouted, once the preliminary battles had been fought, and Thanos was lured down to Earth. 

Wanda had taken over his army of mindless minions easily. They had the personalities of army ants, so it was simple for her to set many of them attacking each other, leaving a much more manageable battle for T'Challa's Wakandans, and the Avengers. That had angered Thanos.

"When you want something done right, you need to do it yourself," Thanos said, striding in between the battling Wakandans, casually batting them aside, ignoring the Falcon, Black Widow and Captain America who were surrounded by attackers, and pausing for only a few minutes to beat up on Hulk.

"That is true," Vision said. He reverted back to his first form, gold cape fluttering around him as he floated to meet Thanos.

Thanos grinned and grabbed Vision by the throat. Vision blinked at him. "You do realize that your plan to kill half of all life isn't actually ecologically sound?"

Thanos growled and brought his meaty fingers up to Vision's forehead. "Your sacrifice will make you one of Thanos' children. Be proud."

"I would rather be alive," Vision said calmly. His cape, which, like the rest of him, was actually part of his body, phased to intangibility, twirled around and entered Thanos' head, wrapping entirely around his brain, into every convolution, and particularly around the brain stem.

And then it went dense. "Two objects cannot occupy the same space," Vision said as Thanos' head burst, and a really disgusting substance oozed out of his nose, mouth, eyes and ears. Thanos stood like a statue, eyes open in an expression of disbelief, dead on his feet.

Vision peeled Thanos' fingers from his neck and then took the gauntlet. "I'll just go put this somewhere safe," he said. He smiled at Wanda. "I'll be right back." Vision put the gauntlet on. It shrank to fit and he vanished.

T'Challa looked at the aimlessly milling minions. Shuri shrugged. "We could push them off the waterfall."

Okoye whistled and a battle rhino ambled up. She mounted and began herding the minions across the plain, heading towards the mountains.

"Well, that wasn't too bad," Sam said, as he came in for a landing.

"Speak for yourself," Natasha replied. "I broke a nail."

**Author's Note:**

> I had a nap, and woke up with the realization that if Vision and Wanda had used the abilities they'd been shown to have in earlier movies, Thanos would have been TOAST.
> 
> Mmm, toast.


End file.
